Unnecissarily harsh
I've been thinking about the letter(s) to which Jason responded. It's easy to dismiss such people as loony and I must apologize for using that word. If you missed the reference in the title of my previous post, I do understand his words were well intended, though I'm not sure if he was trying to convince Jason of the proper path for Jason's life as much as he was trying to convince himself of the proper path for his own life. Perhaps most sobering for me is I am personally acquainted with such individuals.
Several years ago, when I was first coming out and coming to grips with my own sexuality, I penned a web site called One Gay Mormon. Yes, you can find it still at www.onegaymormon.com. I have left it as is. I think it has value as a snapshot of the early stages of my coming out. I'm sure there are others in the early stages of their own coming out process who will be able to relate to the thoughts and feelings expressed there. Indeed one friend of mine continues to quote that web site on a fairly regular basis. I mention it because things in Jason's post reminded me of things I wrote there.
I know what you've been through: the one-night stands, the insincere, unfaithful partners, the men you don't really like but sleep with anyway, and all that desperate searching for your next sexual fix. You've got to end it, for your own good and for the good of those around you.
You need to realize that the men you are having sex with don't really love you. In fact, they hate you. They only use you for their lustful purposes, not for any higher form of love.
Unlike homosexuals, heterosexuals sacrifice themselves and their personal desires for the sake of their partners. They commit to each other and care for each other even when times are difficult. Being “gay” is only about sex, and that’s no way to have a life. Real love is nurturing and fulfilling. It’s something that two men just can't have for each other. You might tell yourself you have a real love, but real love is heterosexual according to God’s plan.
I have always believed and continue to believe that being gay is what you make of it. What expectations do you have for your gay life? Do you buy into the myth that men are not capable of making lasting relationships with each other? Do you believe that there is someone out there who can be committed and loving? Is monogamy important to you? Or not? You will find what you look for.
Evergreen was no different. Three times I listened to conversations that can be summed up like this: "I just can't imagine living together with a guy. That's so gay." Finally the third time I stopped them and said, "Guys, I wouldn't do it any other way. I don't want sex. I want to fall in love. I want to settle down. I want to find a mate." I didn't ask them why living with a life partner was somehow more gay than cruising for your next lay, or why it was somehow worse. I already knew that answer. You see as long as the sex is meaningless you can justify your behavior as "a phase," an aberrant predilection for a type of sex. In so doing you also marginalize and diminish what you are feeling. You don't have to face the fact that your feelings are much deeper than mere desire or lust. You can convince yourself that it and you are wicked, evil and wrong.
I know of a gentleman who has accepted the fact that he is gay, that he will never be able to form a lasting, fulfilling relationship with a woman, but still insists that celibacy is the right choice, at least for him. His reasoning is he was not impressed with life in the gay community. When questioned further one discovers the only gay "community" he's had any experience with is at BYU, the Mormon equivalent of Boston College. This means everyone is semi- to severely closeted. He has two options at BYU for expression of his sexuality. One is anonymous sex, with the attending fears of being caught, or of being fingered by a trick who gets caught and caves to pressure to name those with whom he has dallied. The other is "dating on the sly," afraid to spend too much time together lest someone become suspicious and turn them in. Either way, this aspect of their life remains a huge secret, the discovery of which could (and most likely would) lead to expulsion from school and being shamed by his religious community and family. Great way to live, don't you think? Is it any wonder he doesn't want to be a part of that community?
These men, like those who have written Jason, bought the myth that gay men are not capable of lasting relationships. They believe their attractions for men are wicked and therefore incapable of bringing peace and joy to their lives. They may also harbor a deep seeded belief that because of their desires they themselves are unworthy of love. How do you expect to form a loving relationship with someone if you believe that love is tainted and evil? So many men jump into the gay world expecting the expression of their sexuality to be some balm of Gilead and magically erase scarring from years of fear, self-doubt and self-hatred. They don't understand that what you hope for and what you are looking for can be two completely different things. They found what they were looking for: confirmation of their base nature.
The other myth that people buy into and perpetuate is the Myth of the Gay Lifestyle. There is no such thing. People hear about (or visit) a bathhouse and assume that all gay men frequent bathhouses. They hear about wild sex parties and assume that is how all gay men spend their weekends. Get real, people. Have you ever thought that bathhouse and orgy stories are simply more useful to gay detractors than other more mundane aspects of gay life? It's kind of hard to preach hellfire and damnation, trying to prove the evil nature of homosexuals by using a group of friends meeting after church services for coffee. For all you ex-gays out there, how hard did you look to find what you thought you wanted? How quick were you to give up?
There are as many different kinds of relationships in the gay world as there are in the straight world. Some straight couples function as equals. Some are dominated by the man who expects his wife to clean his house and cook his meals. Some are dominated by the woman who wears the pants. Some remain faithful their whole lives. Other's have not remained faithful. Still others have open marriages, America's dirty little swinging secret. Some never get married, unless they happen to live in a common law state where it kicks in automatically. Then there are the polygamists, both in Southern Utah and Saudi Arabia.
There are predators and users in the gay world, just as there are predators and users in the straight world. There are men and women on both sides of the fence who have more baggage than in conducive to a relationship of any kind. My straight lady friends have as many dating nightmare stories to tell as I do.
To say that gay men are all the same and capable of only one kind of relationship is absurd and dishonest. Perhaps the complexities of homosexual attitudes about sex and relationships are material for another post. Suffice it to say, you can find anything you want in the gay community, whether it be copious, anonymous sex or a man who wants to share his life and his love with you. You just have to be honest about and fully conscious of what you are looking for.