What to do.
The time is fast approaching when I'll need to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Graduation is less than two months away. You'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get out there and wield my shiny, new masters degree, but I'm not. I can't really even tell you why.
It's not that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now, school wise, that is. My practicum this year has been great. I really enjoy the people I work with and the environment they create to work in. It's not really that I'm struggling with the work. I've enjoyed working with the clients at the agency. I've got a lot of positive feedback from co-workers. If everyone is to be believed, I'm actually kinda good at it. Obviously, being a therapist can be draining. I have one client who consistently blows me away with horror stories from her childhood, and there are mornings I wish I could play hooky. Usually, though, once I get there I'm fine.
Is it about the money? Or rather the lack thereof? Maybe. A little. Still after three years of squeaking by on part-time income, almost any full-time income will be a welcome improvement. I'm not really sure that's it, though.
Part of it is going back to the proverbial "9 to 5." (Does anyone really only work 9 to 5 any more?) I've kept up the web development stuff to pay the bills. The $8/hr I get at my internship doesn't even cover child support. I recently decided to rent some office space, because honestly folks, working from home sucks. It's not about distractions as much as it is about it sucking the life out of you. I'm someone who has to get away from work. If I work at home, I can't. Ever...and motivation and focus go right down the toilet. But I digress.
The point is I'm actually enjoying having my own office space. The difference is night and day. Even though I'm putting in full to long days right now, I'm still making my own decisions. I get in when I want to get in and not because I am required to be somewhere at some given time. I leave when I want. No one is dictating to me how I should work (can you say "managed care?"). Even after graduation, I'm still two years of full-time work (4000 hours) away from anything close to that kind of freedom in the mental health world and I will always have some damn bureaucrat, whether government or corporate, looking over my shoulder telling me how I should be doing my job. I do know some therapists who only take cash. How many years after starting my own practice before I have that luxury?
There's also the little piece about flexibility and freedom. Even if I never actually take advantage of it, knowing that I can pack up my laptop and work from just about anywhere the mood strikes me—Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, the Bahamas—feels very nice. It wouldn't be nearly as easy to pack up clients. Do I really want to be tied to a practice?
There are just too many questions I don't have the answer to yet. Another part of the dilemma is there are several folk who will be disappointed if I bail on the therapist gig. I've never been good at disappointing people.
I just opened the fortune cookie I got with my lunch. "Your present plans are going to succeed if you stick to them."
What plans??!